| Day 3 of making it up to my journal |
[Nov. 15., 2009|01:38 am] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | Flight of the Valkyries | ] |
Hello again.
Today I continue with my struggle of going to England by still not hearing back from them if I am accpeted or not, and I am still worried about the car dream I had where I saw this really cool car. When I talked to mom about it she said it could be a spiritual dream and the interpritation is that whatever ministry I am getting into has no covering from God. Which is not good. I want to be with God in my entire walk of life.
I called Target back after dealing with them over and over: filling out an application, having it not go through, and now I have spent a could of days trying to get a hold of the Human Resorces people so I can get an interview! How many loops do I have to jump through?
Outside of my worries and struggles I felt like a true gentleman today because I saw a girl walking down the cold street at 1 AM so I picked her up and drove her for a while. Her name was Kelly, and I really hope she doesn't think im a creepy dude. |
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| Oil Change |
[Nov. 14., 2009|02:38 am] |
I did a lot today, I changed my own oil and oil filter in my car, and the damn dashboard still says i need to get maitnence done cuz the oil life is low.
I also hung out with Rachel D (cant remember how to spell her last name), and she has a very large amount of questions about me, and lots of concerns and questions before she does anything. I like that about her cuz its quite opposite of me and I like to rejoyce in our opposites. Go us!
I also played Dungeons and Dragons again. Personally it is getting kind of boring, but its something to kill time. Like geocaching!
Then I hosted a game of Sardines at my house. It was quite the success. I hid under the bed in the computer room and it took them forever to find me. I am a 6 foot 2 inch ninja. |
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| I apologize for my rejection. |
[Nov. 12., 2009|02:20 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | United States, California, Long Beach | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | mewithoutYou - It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All A Dream! It's Alright | ] |
Hello old friend, I am sorry for it taking me so long to talk to you. I have been very busy, and you have always been in the back of my mind.
I hope you will find it in your electronic heart to forgive me. I want to make it up to you, so here is what I will do. I will spend time with you until I cant think of anything else to say.
Thank you friend, I have missed you too.
So where should I start? I know, I will start with the most recient events!
I met a girl today (Rebecca Kamran), well I wouldnt call it a "meeting" because I had already met her at Crystal's house. Cute girl, funny, bubbly, adorable, adventurous, and over all awesome. No friend, I am not considering dating her because she does drugs. I know that has never stopped me before, but since the only time Ethan comes over to my house is when he is high, I have come to the harsh realization that (well I cant say that was the moment, I have known this for a while, i just had hope they were also like that un-high. Silly me. Why do I get along so well with people when they are high?) when people are high I get along with them very well, and then when meeting up with them later, we have nothing to talk about, or its awkward, and its just not the same person I met before. As you can plainly see this has left me with many dissapointments. So i am trying to keep my heart off of this one.
On the subject of girls alow me to introduce a muse of mine by the name of Britamy Rachels. When I officially met this girl I didnt think much of her, and then shortly after meeting her I met Keelynn. After Keelynn and I attempted our relationship, Brittany (not to confuse with Brittany Madler, lets just call this Britamy "Rachels" and the other one "Madler") was being oftly kind to me, and was a lot of fun to be around. The more time I spent with Rachels the more I liked her. But like every good story there is a problem. She was dating a man named ... oh God his name has left my mind. Give me a sec, his name is Hayden. Anyway, they were/are (read further for explaintion of were/are) happily in a relationship. Now Hayden and Rachels started to have issues, and I used my normal tactics to stay out so I am not stuck in this problem, but for soem reason I really wanted them to stay together. After weeks of me helping both of them it ended with Halloween night I had sex with Rachels, and hayden still does not know. The day after I was told by Rachels that she and Hayden broke up. I was releaved. Hold on I skipped something. A week or so before halloween Rachels and I were snuggling on my bed and I told her "I think I love you" oh man, im dumb. In hind-sight I wish I never would have said that. Anyway, we had a long talk abotu how we both liked eachother, and how we would love to take it further, but I am leaving for England (God willing) and she still had Hayden.Fast forward to the day after Halloween (oh, I dressed up as a red scout from TF2) Rachels and I started spending a lot of time together. We walked our dogs on the beach together, she bought her own version of Borderlands so we could play it together, we would smoke hookah together, and it was nice. But the more time i spent wit her, the more I was hurt. She still loves Hayden, and it shows. They talk more then I talk to her, she spends more time with him then me, I went to a kick back at haydens house with Rachels and some friend, and she ended up sleaping on top of him on his coutch, and when we have sex it just doesnt feel the same. Its like its lost its spark. (I know what your thinking, the "spark" was that it was forbidden love. I've thought of this, and searched my heart to make sure that wasnt the situation before I slept with her on Halloween.) After all of this I am debating on breaking it off with her. Well, breaking off whatever we have. She obviously (to me) wants to be with him, and I have to let het go, so she can realize that and act apon it.
With that out of the way, Borderlands was a lot of fun. I played it with my father, and beat it with him earlier tonight. Weird ass ending. We never actually get to see what is in the vault, we were too late. Or atleast thats how I thought it went. A giant mosnster came out of the portal you make with the key, and then you fight that thing. Once that is done the Gardian Angel thanks you, and insists you give the key to Patricia (which I thought look and acted a lot like Kat from OCC. even when she goes inscane, it sounds a lot like Kat. Sometimes I wish I never met that girl. (Sorry kat if you read this, im still hurting, and feel somewhat rejected because you claimed you wanted to keep our friendship, but when it comes down to it you give me short answered text replies, and every time I try to call you, you are either doing something, or are on your way to do something.) I don't think I am going to go through this story line again. Borderlands was so time consuming and addicting in the first place, I dont think I can go through that again. However the game has left me with a heightened sence of happiness when I got bored and couldnt think of anything to do. Then i found some nice songs ( Discovery Channel - I Love The Whole World, Glee - Dancing With Myself, Dj Champion - No Heaven), got a drivers high while driving to a coffee/tea place, and then i re-met Rebecca who was with Katie.
Ok I am running out of things to talk about. I submitted my application to England a weeks ago, and I still haven't headrd back from them. I really hope its not because of my grades. My grades have been horrid at OCC. I re-re-submitted an application to Target last night, and I forgot to call them back today. I promice ill do it tomorrow.
I have found a recent love for Deftones. Specifically the songs Hole In The Earth, Minerva, Mein, Be Quiet And Drive and Change (In The House of Flys) The last one is super depressing. Almost Every 15 Minuets worthy. I should probably add this to my "The Sadness" playlist.
Done.
My car needs an oil change. It is currently at %5 oil life, and I dont know how much an iol change is. I have to research it, but I dont want to. I'd rather retreat into Facebook or video games. This is one prime example of why I need to leave my house. This crap. This excapism needs to stop. Nothing productive is comming from it. Thankfully I wont be anywhere near a computer in those DTS classes.
I feel so alone. Maybe its just the song. Mabe its because Madler and I have faced the ... what was the word... inevidible doom, and survived. After the initial shock, she warmed back up to me, and now we remain at a friendship. this is another thing I regret, I wish I didnt do to her what I did. The pain i caused. Friend with benefits/advanced friendship whatever you call it, was a bad idea. I knew this from the start, but i was really ohping it could be different with us. I had such hope that we would remain friends no matter what, and the only pain we would feel would be from the other one finding someone they actually want to have a serious relationship with. Not this tworn friendship feeling we both have. (The Angel of Death came to David's room,The Angel of Death came to David's room and said "Friend its time to go")
and all of this has left me in a downword spiral of sadness.
Oh how I could use answers. Normally I would turn to God for answers, but God has reciently told me he wants to be friends rather than a servant/god relationship, and like every other friend I have I rarely ever talk to Him. Sorry God. He told me to learn the guitar, to sing and write songs, and I rarely do that anymore as well. I picked up my guitar for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday.
I am not even going to spell check this, its too long.
Well my friend I have kept my promice, I have typed untill I cant think of anything else to type about. I miss you too. I promice to see you again soon, and you know I always do the best I can to keep my word. I may not be perfect, but atleast I am trying to keep my promices. |
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| Hallo |
[Sep. 25., 2009|12:20 pm] |
Well I have big news, (since I havent updated this in awhile i guess any news is big news)
I now have a girlfriend, her name is Keelynn and I made it official last night buuy getting one ofthose rings you can get in the $.25 vending machienes at lampost Pizza, and then got down on one knee and asked her to be my girlfriend.
she didnt really say what I hoped. What she said was "You actually asked" and then started kissing me.
So I think thats a "yes"
Secondly I really need to send that paperwork for January, for I don't want to be too late for ANYTHING this time.
Thirdly I still dont have a job. Target (who told me 6 months ago) admitted they want me, but i have bad scheduling, so they wanted me to call them when i had better scheduling, just sent me a letter in the mail saying they do not want me anymore. I probably should have told them I was the same guy.
And the guitar center still keeps giving me a run around of "call us next week, we might have a job opening then."
The movie Gamer is now one of my absolute favorites.
And the new Nazi Zombie map in Call of Duty 5 is amazing. Der Rise had teleporting, harder zombies, cooler looking zombies, and then zombie dogs! Granted they had dogs in the last map, but its still awesome. Oh and they continued the idea where each player has a different cheractor from the last map. First player is an american named Damsey, second player is a russin named Nickoli, third player is a jap dude whos name i forget, and third is a german dude again whos name i forget. |
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| England |
[Aug. 30., 2009|11:01 pm] |
I've got bad news, i waited too long to submit the paperwork for England, andI cant go untill January 2010.
:(
I guess i'll take that job at guitar center and wait. |
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| Girl issues |
[Aug. 14., 2009|01:28 am] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | Dispatch - The General | ] |
Alright so lets start from the beginning, I like this girl named Alex, i like her alot, and ive like her for years.
Receintly i told her i like her, and she freaked. I was nervus to the point of sweating, and she was mad cuz she liked me back then, but
the dude who introduced us told both of us that it wouldnt work out, so she gave up and "forced myself not to like you" while i still held on to the idea.
Needless to say the dude who introduced us got a good talking to, and she is now really confused on where she stands. (If she wants to try dating me or not)
Now girl number 2 is a girl named Keelynn (key-lin) who i met at a 4th of july party, and i also really like.
Alex has time spent with her, but i have a lot in common with keelyn. I have a sexual attraction to Alex, but its not as strong with Keelynn, i've had some dissapointment with Alex cuz she kept blowing me off everytime i tried to spend time with her, but with all this now in the light, she might make more of an effort to spend time with me. Keelynn has alwas been happy to spend time with me, however she always brings a friend around.
Keelynn knows how i feel about Alex so its hard to ask her out when she knkows about the other girl.
As you can tell i've spent some tiem weighing pros and cons of both girls.
I dont know either girls super well, so i cant make a descition based apon that,
I cant tell how my heart feels about the girls and descide which one i love more cuz i havent dated either of them...
Therefore the only thing i can think of to do is date both girls, and see which one i want to ask out.
All of a sudden I feel like im on The Bachelor.
Since talking (well, texting) Alex, i told her i need two weeks untill i can actually talk to her about how i feel, and if i really want to go out with her, so i have some time to think about alex. However Keelynn im already loosing. In past relationships (or failed attempts at them) i tend to spend a lot of time making sure i really want to date them, and by the time i come out with it they have already moved on, so i dont want the same thing to happen to Keelynn.
This sounds likea do-or-die situation to me...
An old teacher once told me that we (not sexist, its reletive to both men and women) should be able to date multiple people at the same time, but when it comes down to bf gf things, it should be monogomous.
I like this idea, but dating two girls just feels bizzar to me. Maybe its because i've never done it, maybe its because im always used to dating one girl at a time.
Alright this is the moment of truth. I have to ask Keelynn out. If i dont do it sometime soon, ill loose my chance forever.
I dont have any money so i thought walking up and down the HB promenade right around sunset would be a good date.
*deep breath* now all i gotta do is ask her.
I dont wanna do it over the phone, but i dont want to wait till i invite her to another thing ( like kickbacks, hang outs, or movie nights)
fuck... alright im going to a party on Friday I could ask if she wants to come... no it would be awkward for me to get compleatly shitfaced and then ask her out while we leave.
I might just have to call her.
fuck it, ill call her tomorrow after i call guitar center about getting the second interview.
Did i tell you guys ive been calling back Guitar Center about a second interview for 2 weeks now?
the dude(mananger) keeps pushing the date back so he can get in more interviews.
I honestly think i have a good chance of getting the job, but im tired of jumping through hoops.
If he pushes it back again i think im gonna have to tell him im tired of jumpin.
Wish me luck, on both girls and Guitar Center! |
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| the high life |
[Aug. 7., 2009|02:17 am] |
The past couple of weeks... Leah has severly damaged the space bar on this laptop so its extreamly hard to make spaces.
Back to the point, scratch that, space bar is removed, blown out,and now i've put it back in....still broken.
sorry if i seem a little disctracted but Venture Brothers is on...
screw this ill be brief, last 2 weeks were awesome, drinking, skinny dipping, (lol "Code name: 'Pussyface") <--- Venture BrothersReference
watching the movies projected at the beach, first one night stand,and ultimately a great 2 weeks.
One thing that still sucks is i have no job. However ive been trying to get a job at guitar center for the past few weeks. Ive gotten to talk to the new boss many times, and I really hope i get the job. |
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| force |
[Jul. 16., 2009|01:54 am] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | The Expendables | ] |
Tonight was overall a really good night.
Started off with work with Ethan, he came by and helped us out.
Then we sttreet raced a weird lookin kid down brookhurst.
It was a small car like a accord or evo, but it had a spoiler on the back.
I won too. but shortly after winning i had to turn right so i had to powerslide into a houseing complex.
After all that I had so much adrenalin i had to do more, so i drifted in FVHS' parking lot with some girls.
After that we went to a park and played laser tag.
Then something crept up on me, I slowly came to a realization of how quiet i am around girls i like.
I mean i am a lot quiter, a lot more mellow, and i was rather just sit and talk.
That is weird, I compleatly change. I gotta work on that man, i dont wanna give girls a wrong impression.
But now i will leave you with the most recient CTRL+V posing.
"There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present."
-Master Oogway. |
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| yobs |
[Jul. 9., 2009|03:12 am] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | Demon Hunter - Deteriorate | ] |
Job searching has so far been unsecessfull, and i am becoming rather discouraged.
I would say pray for me, but im not sure if i really want you to.
Its not because I don't think prayer is going to work, ive seen prayer work.
Its that I feel that a job might not be the solution for me at this presant time.
Or what soulution i should be chosing.
Make sence? |
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| girls |
[Jul. 2., 2009|12:23 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | Deftones - Back To School (Mini Maggit) | ] |
Ok so I like this girl, but i've waited so long that I am prety sure she has lost interest in me and I have entered "The Friend Zone"
I try and text her, call her, but she is either at work, school, or i just cant get a hold of her.
Its not like she is ignoring me, every time I am around her, she loves being with me.
It just seems i have to call her ALL THE TIME just so i can talk to her.
but I dont want to be annoying, so i dont.
fuck ducks. |
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| (...why not forgive) All the time, everyone, everywhere, everything |
[Jul. 1., 2009|12:59 pm] |
Hallo everyone!
The trip to England sounds more and more tantalising.
Only problem is the 6 month corse starts in september.
So i have to dick around OCC for a semester or two.
On the subject of OCC, i have been disqualified to register due to a bad GPA.
Therefore I have to go through orientation again.
Right now I have a new polo shirt (I know, i didnt think id ever wear one either)
 (Thats the insignia on my left nipple.)
And I am headed down to 6th street to apply to a Johnny Rockets.
Wish me luck.
On another note the new mewithoutYou album bugs me down to the core of my being.
It has great songs with chrisitan morals, but it also has a song that praises Allah, and
I think there is a buddist song in there.
Point is, i dont want to listen to a band that sells out to every religion.
I really hope thier next cd isnt like this one, cuz ill just stop listening. |
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| Hope |
[Mai. 21., 2009|01:46 am] |
Now I remember why I don't come on here very often, we all write horrible times, or struggles we have.
Well, I am going to try and write more of the positive side of my life.
For example I have just started listening to more and more of the band 10 Years, and they are blowing me away.
I also love how the lead singer had really long dreads, and now has them cut off. A man after my own heart, or am I after his? |
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| Regret becomes a personal war. |
[Mai. 21., 2009|01:08 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | out | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| |  Deeply Regretfull | ] |
I have had a hard time for the past couple weeks, because last week I ruined a friends wedding video, all the photos and videos on my computer were deleated, and my first time getting drunk and high i had to sober myself up so i can run the cops to a guy who badly needed to go to the ER.
I found a back-up of the photos off of my iPod, so those are just fine. Aaron told me today that he was reciently told about the video, and he forgives me. And the dude who needed to go to the ER is just fine.
However, The video still weighs heavy on my heart. I know I could have done better than that. I feel like i let him down, and i just keep beating myself up.
On a lighter side im am talking to God about traveling to England for a year to study the bible, and work for a church.
It sounds super religious, but somehow it just feels right. Still I am worried I am going to regret the descition after I get there,
and have been sold into a year of slavery.
Throughout my life I have always held an idea that the only way to understand something, is if you experience it.
Therefore, I think im gonna do it. |
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| Hell week. |
[Mai. 18., 2009|01:38 pm] |
This week was the biggest endourance test I have ever had.
I'll write more when i feel modivated to keep writing. |
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| wedding disastor |
[Mai. 12., 2009|01:37 am] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| | depressed | ] |
Well, this is one of those times in my life where if I could controll time, i would go back and fix what i just did.
but since I cant, im going to log it in my journal so i can not forget, and make the same mistake twice.
I was filming Aaron Courdy's wedding, it all was smooth except for i was really nervus, so the camera shook some times, and the photographer got in some of my shots. But when I started captureing all the footage today I noticed that there was an irrevirsable
error in the filming onto the tape where only 1/3 of it is actually visable. For those of you who know cameras, the head needed to be cleaned, so there were very large lines throughout the entire tape.
I have been devistated. Near tears at some parts of the day, and in utter depression all if not most of the day.
I don't know how I am going to explain to Aaron that I screwed up, and there is no way to express how sorry I really am.
*deep breath* Jesus have mercy on me. |
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| 21 |
[Mai. 4., 2009|01:09 am] |
Im concerned for when I turn 21.
I've been told im a heavy drinker, so if I do start to drink, it will be really expensive.
I've never been drunk, never been high, and I am not really a fan of either.
I don't want to loose control of myself, I dont know what i'll do!
I've been told not to worry about it, I still have control, just im more confident and everything is better.
Id rather live in horrible agony then be dependant on something to make my life better.
The more I am around drunk or high people, the more I hate it.
What a simple deception that has ensnared so many people. |
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| open rebellion |
[Mai. 4., 2009|12:40 am] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| |  enraged | ] |
| [ | Aktuelle Musik |
| | Atmosphere - Sunshine | ] |
I painted again today. The picture I painted was nothing like what I know I can do. But it scared me, because even I didn't like it.
It was so simplistic, so easy, that I was shocked and dissapointed.
Good thing I can't controll that painting, or who sees it, cuz I would have thrown it away.
A lot of things that have been sturing in my soul are as fallows;
Well, since im so emotional about this one, ill do it first.
I desire a fear of God. I want to feel his anger, i want to feel is wrath, and be afraid. I want to feel in my heart of hearts that the God i server is a living God, a God that can whipe me from the face of the Earth faster than any man made thing ever could. I don't want a God that just sits on a throne, and shouts orders. I want a God that can act. I don't care if only I feel it, or if only I can see the wrath, I want to know its there.
I behing human desire these things so I can feel better, so I can feel comfort in knowing my God is real, and can do more to me than any bomb, ghost, or demon ever could. My humanistic ways are my downfall, and my pride is my shield. BREAK THEM FROM ME! SHOW YOURSELF! You showed the Isralites a protion of your power that I have never seen. Led by a cloud during the day, and a pillar of fire and wind at night. Why not me? Why can't I see these things? Why can't I be shaken to the core with fear of my God? I don't want a cute little fear that is respect for God, I want a bone chilling, teeth chattering, Earth shaking fear that surges through every pore of my body. Then leaves me with shame, for I am not worthy.
Aaron Wessis, the lead singer of mewithoutYou, wont even write the word "God" because he has so much respect for it. In his lyrics he writes "G-d". I desire such a fear for that same God.
A few other things are just problems I see, like dating in christian ways. There are only a handfull of girl of my age in my church, is that my selection? Should I go looking at other churches for dates? And say I do find a girl that i like from another church, do we go to her church or mine? Do we leave both churches in general and find a church we can both enjoy? And then if you split up do you leave the church so you dont have to go through the pain of seeing the person again, or even the pain of seeing the other with another person?
Another problem is christians hanging out. I've noticed a sence of awkwardness when christians hang out becuase we all know were supposed to be tryingto achieve holyness, but none of us really can. We know we sin, we just dont want others to see it. So with this in mind, how do we hang out? Do we ignore the awkwardness and just try to have fun? Do we figure "fuck it" and tell sex jokes, yell profanity, get drunk, have sex with eachother, and just lay in our sin regardless of what the others think?
I'll get back to you guys if I find an answer to my questions. |
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| Manipulation that started with envy |
[Apr. 27., 2009|02:31 am] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| | discontent | ] |
Manipulation is a three headed beat that ive always despised. It is the reason i always try to tell the truth. The reason I stopped reading a book about how to argue. The reason why I can not sleep untill i let this off my chest.
My friend Brittany once told me that the animal most like my personality is the wolf. Canis Lupis, if you will.
but this story is not about the lupis, but rather a cousin of the wolf, the coyote. This animal has left me with many doubts, many heartaches, and many feelings of betrayal. When I approached this coyote about how to resolve my pain, the animal stayed true to its nature and lied to my face, and continue to manipulate me. I told myself that I would not let my friends do this again, but i've molded my life so closely around this animal, its going to be very difficult to seperate, and then recover.
Slowly he gets his fill out of me and my friends. Too bad I didnt listen to a cat earlier and heed her warning.
Unfortiunately this didnt help me with my pain, but hopefully one day i can look back on this and see how far i have grown. |
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| surfing |
[Apr. 14., 2009|02:03 pm] |
| [ | Aktuelle Stimmung |
| |  excited | ] |
Out of everything that involves a board, the only one i havent mastered surfing.
I can skateboard, snowboard, cut wood, nail wood, crawl under houses (the beams over my head are techincally boards of wood)
...thats all i can think of that involves a board, but thats beside the point.
The point is today is gonna be my third attempt to learn to surf.
First time i was ver young and the board hit me dead on in the ear.
Second time plans fell through.
And now im hoping i can actually do it.
My ankle is still pretty stiff from me icing it all last night, but ill probably work through it.
eeee, im so excited. |
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riddlin_kid14s Journal